Where Do I Begin?

I’ve received a lot of advice, from a lot of people I respect, and even more strangers, to stay here-now. Most of the people I interact with, are strangers to me. They tell me to find some way to remain in the present, and I get it. They're not wrong. When I was 16, I met my father. He told me I had ‘one foot in the future, one foot in the past, and I was pissing all over today.’ It stuck. How could a person only 16 years in this world be stuck in the past and unable to attach to this moment? 18 years later, a long-lost-sister would remind me to come back to Earth, and in that moment I feel like it saved our future. I want to believe that, anyway. I should have been the big sister, but am so grateful for her emotional maturity. So day-to-day, they are all totally right. It’s important to recognize when you have totally left Earth, to Space-travel between your future and your past, in a manic and nauseating, nightmare! But when that becomes impossible, one must return to the past and attempt to decode what caused the emotional loop. Organize the pain and give it a time-slot. It needs to be recognized, but it can't have my whole day. In my case, I need to take an hour or so, whenever I can, to try and decode my past, the Krafts, the Ritchies, and Barbers, and most of all, Me. Here is where I invite anyone who wants to get involved to show me how we get started. Where do I begin; because if I don’t get this right, you won’t believe a word of it. I can’t understand the point in journaling. I am pretty sure if I die, one one is going to publish my journals or even read them. Then again, in a previous post, I confessed to quitting multiple things because of similar beliefs. When I add them up, it seems clinical and depressive, or insecure more than reality. In a simple sense, I've always wanted someone to talk to. In any case, it doesn’t much matter, because I live in the age of, “Say Anything”. It seems like I want to try and Memoir via Blog, but I hit some kind of wall and never get it done. I would very much like to tell stories via a Podcast platform like Risk, but when they asked me to record the story I submitted via MP3, I froze up, and so far it’s taken me 4 years to not get anything at all done on that simple request. I often get in my own way. Maybe I am getting old, but more and more something inside me pushes forward and demands to be heard. It wants to go back to school. I swore I would never say that! It makes me want to stand up, chest out, and be more, and say it all. What if something happens to me? I mean I am no celebrity, but what if my daughters need to know me, with all their hearts, and this really becomes a barrier? Wh

at if they never know that I exist out there, love them, and am a person, totally separate than this legend that has been created by parents who could not love me? With that, I am exhausted.